July 4 2014 - As I Remember It

The day started off quite nicely.  Made some deviled eggs while the hubby prepared the meat for the burgers and we awaited the arrival of a good friend of ours who would be joining us for a small little barbeque.  Dinner went according to plan.  The evening was peaceful...until 2130.  That's when our small little village of a town decided to light off their fireworks display from less than 1/4 mile from our house.  No warning, no little baby fireworks to get the show started...but the big loud BOOM ones.  That is the first time in a LONG time, I've actually jumped up from my chair where I was sitting outside and tried diving for cover.  My heartbeat easily doubled, my chest felt tight, and I remembered the last time in Iraq that my base had been
mortared...

A Woman in a Man's World - Part 1

I got a lot of feedback on yesterday's post about my time in Iraq.  After I re-read it, I felt like I rambled... but I'm glad it touched so many people!  One of the common comments left for me on my Facebook page, was that it gave non-military folks some insight on what it was like for a woman in the military.  I feel that I just barely scratched the surface on that topic... so I thought I'd write a few posts about it.  Some of the things I will be talking about are pretty touchy....so please bare with me.
(NOTE - I don't have many pictures from bootcamp/AIT... a lot of my military pictures come from my time in Iraq.  Just FYI)

Reflections

When I tell people that I was in the army, the first question is always, "Did you go to Iraq?  Afghanistan?".  When I inform them that I did deploy to Iraq for OIF VII, the question that always follows next is, "What was it like?".  People  may think that it is an easy question to answer, but quite the contrary, it is not.  What part of Iraq do you want to know about?  There are many.  Do you want to do what the social and family ties and the stresses it caused was like?  Do you want to know what war is like?  Or what about the countryside?  The people and the children?  Being a medic?  What part do you want to know about?  The part where I admit it broke me all to hell and I will never be the same again?    Which part?

When The Past Comes Back To Haunt You...

Ya know how life has a tendency to get in the way?  Well yea..  Life has kinda kept me on my toes the last few weeks so I apologize for my absence!  I was going to write about the damn government shut down...but I decided that would just be an angry rant and decided against it. :)

But this...I feel is important and might help those of you who actually read what I have to say.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other night...we were reminiscing about our antics while in Kuwait.  I asked him if he could believe it had been 4 years since that time...  He said, "No it hasn't been... it feels like it was yesterday..."  And that got me thinking...  He also asked why certain things smell a specific way causing him to remember the past...Did you know your olfactory senses have the strongest link to your memories?  That's why when you smell the perfume your grandma used to wear, you immediately think of her even though she may have been deceased for 10 years.

Me and one of our docs.

Especially for veterans who have seen war, flashbacks are a very real occurrence.  Not everyone will act out those flashbacks; many will look like they've "zoned out".  In reality, they are reliving that memory as if it were on a big movie screen.  As my friend and I were talking, I remembered a patient I treated.  He was clinically dead, but we were able to revive him despite his severe injuries.  I was holding c-spine (maintaining head control), looking him in the eye and making him talk to me to keep him conscious.  His eyebrows and eyelashes were burned off.  He had burns all over his body; the stench of burning skin and hair is a smell that I will never forget.  He had multiple broken bones and partial amputations.  His carotid artery started bleeding through the bandages and I had to use my thumb as a plug to stop the bleeding in his neck.  While all this was going on and he was being treated by 4 other medics; we talked about getting his 5 year old and my 7 year old together when we both got home and they could play football together.  I will never forget his face, his eyes staring up at me, pleading with me to reassure him that all will be will.  When he was MEDEVAC'ed from our facility, he was alive.  He made it all the way to Germany before succumbing to his injuries.  I was sent home not too long after due to my seizures and made it to his memorial.  It's something I will never forget.  And there are times where it seems like it was just yesterday...The day after my husband knew I was in a funk and I explained to him what was going through my head, and he did the perfect thing.  He just let me be.  Sometimes all a person suffering from PTSD who is dealing with the aftermath of a flashback or night terror needs, is to be left alone for the day...to have that time to sort it out in their own mind.  He was there for me when I needed a hug, when I needed to talk.. but he also gave me my space.  I spoke to my friend on Tuesday... and parts of our conversation brought up memories I had pushed aside..I am wondering if perhaps my inability to close them off again resulted in my seizure last night.  Stress and lack of sleep are triggers.  It was as I was falling asleep I guess.  My hubby told me about it.. which makes sense and explains the sore tired muscles I have today.

My service dog, Kane, also knew something was up.  He didn't leave my side all day long.  It's been 4 years since my deployment to Iraq, but there are times where it seems like it was yesterday.  I see all the people I treated in flashbacks before my eyes.  Sometimes in night terrors.. sometimes when I'm zoning out during the day/day dreaming.  Sometimes it's the same scene, other times it's like a movie on fast forward and I see everything.  Sometimes the tears start flowing and I don't know why...I can't stop them, they're just there.  Sometimes I'm cranky and I snap at my son and husband.  Sometimes I'm able to smile and be thankful that I made it home despite my health issues. And sometimes I feel guilty because I survived and some of my friends did not.. (it's called survivor's guilt).. 

I bring this up not because I want your pity...but I believe that people need to be aware that when it comes to PTSD, there's no timeline in when we get better.  Some days are better than others... And sometimes it's all you can do just to get out of bed.  A certain smell, word, or the way a specific landscape looks can remind us of the dust bowl we were in and the horrific things we saw.  When we withdraw or pull back, it's not because we don't love you, it's because we're trying to deal with the images and memories in our head.  If you've never been there, if you've never seen it...it's hard to talk to someone who doesn't understand.  Rather than just listening, most people try to understand and interrupt to ask questions.  While I admire their desire to learn in order to understand...when you're hurting, the last thing you want to do is educate.  If you want to learn more, ask during a GOOD day, or do some research online.  Want to help your friend but don't know how?  My husband wrote an AMAZING post about how to support a loved one with PTSD.  Please check it out.  Some items may work for your situation, some may not.  But it's some good information from an outsiders point of view.

Dealing with PTSD, Depression, and/or Suicide as a family member or friend

Iraqi sunset

I know this isn't my typical post... But this is about the day in my life.  And not all days are hunky dory peachy keen.  Some days suck.  This week has been full of those sucky days.  But that's why I have my pottery.  When my hands are in clay... a lot of this stuff seems to dissolve...and I feel better.  At times, it's better therapy than any shrink could ever do.  Not to diminish the importance of a psychologist in the healing process for veterans and/or those with PTSD... but for me...art therapy has done more for me than anything else.

Don't be afraid to reach out for help.  Don't know how to explain what is going through your mind/heart?  Grab a pen...a pencil..a paint brush.. some clay.  And just create.  It doesn't have to be the next Picasso.. it just has to help you through the hard days... And for me.. I can assure you that it does.

http://pinterest.com/pin/create/button/

Transitions...

The last year has been chock full of transitions.  The best one of course, is being referred to as "Mrs. Barnes" now that I am a married woman. :)  But there have been other transitions.  My 11 year old son has come to live with us full time (YAY); I am unable to throw as much on the potters wheel as I would like due to my legs; and as a solitary potter, it is difficult to learn new techniques from other members in a studio, my "teacher" is YouTube.  Which don't get me wrong, there are a lot of wonderful videos on various pottery techniques on YouTube, but the camaraderie just isn't the same..

Having my son here with us is amazing.  It completes our little family, for sure.  He likes to come into my home studio with me and play with clay.  He has been making a snake family.  Very proud of him!  School started nearly two weeks ago, so getting into that routine, making sure chores are done, homework gets completed, and soon we will be adding sports practices and games to that as well!

I have been having increasing pain and weakness in my legs.  I have discovered that 15 minutes is the max that I can sit at my wheel and throw.  And where I am still learning much of the nuances of throwing on the wheel, 15 minutes just isn't going to cut it.  I have considered raising the wheel to a height so that when I sit on a bar stool, my legs are not at the same angle as when I am sitting.  It will be trial and error to find which angle works the best...perhaps this winter will be a good time for that... As a result, I have switched over to most hand building..ok...entirely hand building.  My slab roller is getting a lot of use.  However, if I do say so myself, I have been creating some pretty cute things!  Hoping that a lot of what is currently cooling down in my glaze firing in the kiln will turn out awesome, and the store in Caribou will take it in on consignment.  Speaking of which!  There is a new store that I will be selling my wares at in Caribou!  It's called "Works of Heart".  You should definitely check it out!  GREAT hand-made, Maine Made, items.  They also feature wooden furniture made by a local Amish community.

I have also begun using a new logo, created by the amazing Patricia Shea, of Patricia Shea Designs.  I feel that it showcases more of what I'm about.  The red, white, and blue coloring almost always invoke feelings of patriotism.  It's what I fought for for nearly 4 years as a combat medic.  Love the stars as well.  The smaller one, without pictures, is currently my FB business profile image as well as my Etsy avatar.  The larger, rectangular shaped one, is my FB cover photo. What are your opinions of the new logo???  Would love to hear your thoughts/feedback!!

http://pinterest.com/pin/create/button/