Time to Revitalize this Blog!!!

Ummm...WOW!  I cannot believe that I've neglected my blog for six months!!!!!  As many of you know, winter is notoriously hard for me health wise, so I could say that was partly to blame...but the reality of the situation is that I had no motivation to write.  I had all kinds of ideas for various posts that inevitably occurred while I was getting ready for bed.  By the time I woke up, I'd forgotten what I wanted to write about.  If I'm being honest with myself...just a bunch of excuses.

Well, last month I had a swift kick in the pants in the form of the Art Business Academy hosted by Jason Horejs of Xanadu Gallery.  A lot of what we've been discussing has been quality and consistency in your  artwork.  This also plays into every other aspect of running an art business.  One of the tools mentioned is ToDoist.  OMG.  Talk about a life changer!!!  It's a great to do list to help stay on track and I have found already that it is helping me greatly with staying on top of the administrative tasks.  As part of this revitalizing my digital imprint, I started two separate newsletters.  One newsletter is just for my sculpting and one is for my ceramic jewelry side of things.  You can sign up for the newsletters by going HERE for the sculpting one, and/or HERE for the ceramic jewelry one.  If you opt to receive the newsletter for ceramic jewelry, you will notice that I'm running my first ever Jewelry Design Challenge!!!  I'll write more on that later.  This post was more of a re-acquaintance with writing.  An item I can now check off my list on ToDoist. ;)

TTFN!!!

Erasing a Stigma

It seems that the tragic passing of Robin Williams has brought light to an epidemic many of us have been fighting in the shadows.  Why has it taken the death of someone famous for making millions of us laugh, to bring public awareness to a disease that we have been plagued with for hundreds of years?  Current data suggests that 22 Veterans take their lives... a day.  22 people who survived military duty (combat or not), whose demons eventually won out.  That statistic is thought to be wrong amongst recent veterans returning from the OIF/OEF conflict.  Many of those take their lives as a result of PTSD.  The public at large seems to think this is a new phenomena, but there are several items to take into consideration.  During WWI and WWII, and early battles, Soldiers had several weeks to decompress from the tragedies of war.  Spending weeks together with fellow brothers who had seen the atrocities of war, being able to vent their fears and anger to one another without fear of being judged.  They had time to come to terms with what our nation asked of them during these times.  Then the came home to their families never to speak of it again.  Now, when our time at war is done, we get on a plane, fly home, have a week of "reintegration" and are asked to get back to our daily lives.  Now, there is a stigma that if you seek help or treatment you are weak.  It can undermine a career by imparting the notion that you are not fit for command or a leadership role because you are unstable.  When we are separated from service, and our employers find out that we have PTSD, all the can think is that we are going to snap and go on a shooting rampage because we are unstable.  

These are the stigmas that make talking about mental health illnesses difficult.  It is easier to deny anything is wrong than to admit we have demons we are battling.  Depression is only one symptom of PTSD.  There are many more.  Irritability, anger, lashing out, becoming withdrawn, insomnia, flashbacks, sadness, anxiety, and so many more.  Suicidal thoughts come with the territory.  Those of us strong enough to ask for help, are often shot down.  "So many people have it worse than you.  You shouldn't be depressed".  "Just be happier".  "Remember you have a family, don't be selfish".   A lot of people just don't know how to talk to or respond to someone when they say they are depressed and may be contemplating suicide.  For people who have never been that far in despair, they just don't understand.  And that's OK.  But dismissing the other persons' feelings is not the way to help.  Let them know that you are always around to listen, that you care.  Just knowing you have people in your corner can be the life jacket that person is looking for.

When I was sent back stateside from Iraq, I was not medevac'd.  I was sent via space-a.  I had to wait around Kuwait for 2 weeks for a seat to become available and for my unit to fix the paperwork they screwed up on.  When I got back to Atlanta, no one from my Rear-D unit was there to pick me up.  No homecoming welcome.  I had to take a cab from the airport to Fort Benning, a nearly 2 hour trip.  I checked into my hotel, and was told to report to work 6 hours later.  They initially tried to chapter me out on a bad conduct mischarge...which is funny because I didn't have a single negative counseling statement....that I knew of.  Come to find out, 3 had been written while I was in limbo, and where I was supposed to sign, my squad leader had written in "Soldier Unavailable to Sign.". More on this at a later date...thankfully I had a few docs that stood up for me, and pushed me through the med board process; I was eventually medically retired out of the Army 13 months after returning home.  I was treated like shit, because everyone in my unit thought I was faking it, trying to get out of deployment.  I had been there for 7 months, and wanted to make the Army a career.  I had no support.  No friends.  No family (locally).  I was at my wit's end.  Thankfully, I had my family's support.  I would call my mom bawling my eyes out, because I just couldn't take it anymore.  I wanted to give up.  So a week after returning home, my parents and 2 youngest sisters drove from VA to GA to come see me.  Give me much needed hugs and emotional support.  They stayed for a week.  Without them, who knows what would have happened.  My mom reminded me how strong I was.  I'm a Mayo, damn it.  And that means something.  I had my son who needed his mother.  And I had something to prove.  That no matter how much you may beat me down, degrade me, make me feel like nothing; I'm not going anywhere.  I know in my heart what the truth was/is, and I'll be damned if some ignorant, judgmental, self-serving, assholes were going to take that away from me.  I haven't written a lot about my time in service, or what happened to me while deployed and upon returning home.  But over the next few months, I think I'm going to let ya'll in.  I think it's important for people to know and recognize that this shit does happen.  And if it's happening to you, you're not alone.  There are actions you can take, and recourse for those who think they are above it all.  


Tonight, I just wanted to open the door.  Let people know that if you're struggling with PTSD, depression, or any other issue, there ARE people who care.  If you need someone to talk to, I AM HERE to listen to you.  All you have to do is reach out.  You are stronger than you think you are.

If you or someone you know is struggling, there are options.  Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to ask for help.  You don't want to burden loved ones with your issues.  I'm here to tell you, it's not a burden.

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July 4 2014 - As I Remember It

The day started off quite nicely.  Made some deviled eggs while the hubby prepared the meat for the burgers and we awaited the arrival of a good friend of ours who would be joining us for a small little barbeque.  Dinner went according to plan.  The evening was peaceful...until 2130.  That's when our small little village of a town decided to light off their fireworks display from less than 1/4 mile from our house.  No warning, no little baby fireworks to get the show started...but the big loud BOOM ones.  That is the first time in a LONG time, I've actually jumped up from my chair where I was sitting outside and tried diving for cover.  My heartbeat easily doubled, my chest felt tight, and I remembered the last time in Iraq that my base had been
mortared...

Studio Fruit Basket Upset

Yes, you read that right...a fruit basket upset.  It's a term I grew up hearing from my mother.  Anytime the furniture in a room got rearranged, it was a "fruit basket upset".  I've been making due with my old studio set up because I thought we would be moving this summer and didn't want to do the extra work.  The way life has it, we will be staying in our current location for another year, so I decided to better my studio.  It was functional before...but as my sales increased and the business grew...and my health deteriorated, I can no longer throw. 99% of my work is now handbuilt from slabs of clay.  So the wheel (sadly) has just been collecting dust, and the studio was getting cluttered.  It took me 4 days..but I finally have it done...and I love it!  SO much more user friendly!  Here is what it used to look like:

   

...Must Be Nice...

So today's post is a little different than some of my other ones.  More about the "life of" rather than pottery/ceramics.  We meet new people, or even those that have been in our life for a while...and this one comment is almost always muttered, "It must be nice to not have to work and be able to stay home all day."  Or at least something to that extent.  Most people utter it as a result of ignorance - they really have NO idea what my/our day to day life is truly like.  So for those that don't know what it's like, I thought I'd give you an idea.  :)

The Dangers of Manganese...

Good evening to all!  I was talking to a potter friend of mine a few days ago about manganese.  I have a manganese wash I was considering using on a few pieces.  She warned me to be very cognizant of the safety precautions I needed to take while handling it...At first I thought she might be over reacting slightly...but then I got my edition of the Clay Times magazine..and guess what it had in it?!?  A 2 page article on the danger and new OSHA standards regarding manganese!

Dreams, Goals, Ambitions

Hubby and I just got done having a conversation that is rather thought provoking. He asked me what my goals were with my business. Well to make money of course was the first joking remark. But in all actuality...I want to completely move over to sculpting. Still make some of the small odds and ends when I need a break..and they make GREAT kiln fillers so there's no wasted space...but I want to sculpt. I want my sculptures to have meaning and for those messages to be embraced by the world. I want the message that my sculptures emote to be known throughout the world. Quite a lofty goal, no? But that's me...dream big! I know it won't happen over night. And it may not happen in the next 10 years. But by golly...It WILL happen. :)

Cleaning Mr. Peter Pugger - Part II

Good evening (It's Tuesday evening, as I sit here typing this up.. :) )! Hope ya'll are doing well!  So guess what....I DID IT!!!  I am soo proud of myself!  I completely disassembled, cleaned, and reassembled my pugmill!  Those that have been following me for a bit know what an AWESOME accomplishment this is, especially considering all the health hurdles I traverse daily.  :)  But *pat on the back* for me!  :-D  I didn't get it spotless, like Scott and Angie did when they cleaned their Shimpo Pugmill.  BUT, I got it clean enough for my purposes.  I want to make my own batch of paper clay (which, do you have any idea how hard it is to find a tutorial on how to make your own paperclay, that actually provides accurate ratios of paper pulp to clay?!?)!  Good thing I plan on writing about THAT too..hehe

Energy Drought

For the last month, my energy reserves have been non existent.  It seems like fatigue has been my middle name, AND the name of the game.  I just cannot seem to get out of my own way.  Which is proving to be a problem.  I haven't been in the studio to create in well over a week. :(  I yearn to have my hands in clay... my soul cries out for the release.  
  

Finding the Light

 I know a lot of people have been struggling with personal issues.  Be it health, financial, occupational, or all of the above; it can be difficult to believe there is light at the end of the tunnel.  A colleague shared this saying with a group of us, and I found it quite fitting.  I hope it offers you the ability to look inside yourself and embrace the simplicity of it.

2014 - New Year's Goals and Resolutions

Home Sweet Home..for now.  Wallagrass, ME  Dec 2013

Today is the beginning of a new year.  A time to reflect on the previous 365 days, and ponder on what the next 365 days have to come.  This year will be a GREAT year, because that's my mind set.  My health WILL get better.  My business WILL become more regular with sales and such.  My family and I WILL find a home closer to family and be moved by the summer.  Life WILL be good.  Positive affirmations and having a positive mental attitude is what it's all about this year.  

When The Past Comes Back To Haunt You...

Ya know how life has a tendency to get in the way?  Well yea..  Life has kinda kept me on my toes the last few weeks so I apologize for my absence!  I was going to write about the damn government shut down...but I decided that would just be an angry rant and decided against it. :)

But this...I feel is important and might help those of you who actually read what I have to say.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other night...we were reminiscing about our antics while in Kuwait.  I asked him if he could believe it had been 4 years since that time...  He said, "No it hasn't been... it feels like it was yesterday..."  And that got me thinking...  He also asked why certain things smell a specific way causing him to remember the past...Did you know your olfactory senses have the strongest link to your memories?  That's why when you smell the perfume your grandma used to wear, you immediately think of her even though she may have been deceased for 10 years.

Me and one of our docs.

Especially for veterans who have seen war, flashbacks are a very real occurrence.  Not everyone will act out those flashbacks; many will look like they've "zoned out".  In reality, they are reliving that memory as if it were on a big movie screen.  As my friend and I were talking, I remembered a patient I treated.  He was clinically dead, but we were able to revive him despite his severe injuries.  I was holding c-spine (maintaining head control), looking him in the eye and making him talk to me to keep him conscious.  His eyebrows and eyelashes were burned off.  He had burns all over his body; the stench of burning skin and hair is a smell that I will never forget.  He had multiple broken bones and partial amputations.  His carotid artery started bleeding through the bandages and I had to use my thumb as a plug to stop the bleeding in his neck.  While all this was going on and he was being treated by 4 other medics; we talked about getting his 5 year old and my 7 year old together when we both got home and they could play football together.  I will never forget his face, his eyes staring up at me, pleading with me to reassure him that all will be will.  When he was MEDEVAC'ed from our facility, he was alive.  He made it all the way to Germany before succumbing to his injuries.  I was sent home not too long after due to my seizures and made it to his memorial.  It's something I will never forget.  And there are times where it seems like it was just yesterday...The day after my husband knew I was in a funk and I explained to him what was going through my head, and he did the perfect thing.  He just let me be.  Sometimes all a person suffering from PTSD who is dealing with the aftermath of a flashback or night terror needs, is to be left alone for the day...to have that time to sort it out in their own mind.  He was there for me when I needed a hug, when I needed to talk.. but he also gave me my space.  I spoke to my friend on Tuesday... and parts of our conversation brought up memories I had pushed aside..I am wondering if perhaps my inability to close them off again resulted in my seizure last night.  Stress and lack of sleep are triggers.  It was as I was falling asleep I guess.  My hubby told me about it.. which makes sense and explains the sore tired muscles I have today.

My service dog, Kane, also knew something was up.  He didn't leave my side all day long.  It's been 4 years since my deployment to Iraq, but there are times where it seems like it was yesterday.  I see all the people I treated in flashbacks before my eyes.  Sometimes in night terrors.. sometimes when I'm zoning out during the day/day dreaming.  Sometimes it's the same scene, other times it's like a movie on fast forward and I see everything.  Sometimes the tears start flowing and I don't know why...I can't stop them, they're just there.  Sometimes I'm cranky and I snap at my son and husband.  Sometimes I'm able to smile and be thankful that I made it home despite my health issues. And sometimes I feel guilty because I survived and some of my friends did not.. (it's called survivor's guilt).. 

I bring this up not because I want your pity...but I believe that people need to be aware that when it comes to PTSD, there's no timeline in when we get better.  Some days are better than others... And sometimes it's all you can do just to get out of bed.  A certain smell, word, or the way a specific landscape looks can remind us of the dust bowl we were in and the horrific things we saw.  When we withdraw or pull back, it's not because we don't love you, it's because we're trying to deal with the images and memories in our head.  If you've never been there, if you've never seen it...it's hard to talk to someone who doesn't understand.  Rather than just listening, most people try to understand and interrupt to ask questions.  While I admire their desire to learn in order to understand...when you're hurting, the last thing you want to do is educate.  If you want to learn more, ask during a GOOD day, or do some research online.  Want to help your friend but don't know how?  My husband wrote an AMAZING post about how to support a loved one with PTSD.  Please check it out.  Some items may work for your situation, some may not.  But it's some good information from an outsiders point of view.

Dealing with PTSD, Depression, and/or Suicide as a family member or friend

Iraqi sunset

I know this isn't my typical post... But this is about the day in my life.  And not all days are hunky dory peachy keen.  Some days suck.  This week has been full of those sucky days.  But that's why I have my pottery.  When my hands are in clay... a lot of this stuff seems to dissolve...and I feel better.  At times, it's better therapy than any shrink could ever do.  Not to diminish the importance of a psychologist in the healing process for veterans and/or those with PTSD... but for me...art therapy has done more for me than anything else.

Don't be afraid to reach out for help.  Don't know how to explain what is going through your mind/heart?  Grab a pen...a pencil..a paint brush.. some clay.  And just create.  It doesn't have to be the next Picasso.. it just has to help you through the hard days... And for me.. I can assure you that it does.

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Friday Fun - ABC Get to Know ME!

So going along with the theme, I figured Friday would be a free for all.  Gives me leeway to write about my life, family, and miscellaneous items that might not otherwise fit.  Today's Friday Fun tidbit is an "ABC Get To Know Me Quiz" that I found on The Little Owl Shop Blog (THANKS! :) )  So here goes!  Hope you learn something about me and perhaps are inspired to do the same.

A. Age: 29

B. Bed Size:  Queen...and it's not big enough!  With myself, my fiance, my son, and my service dog Kane all trying to pile into one bed sometimes...it can get crowded!  haha

C. Chore that you hate:  scraping/grinding kiln shelves and putting kiln wash back on.  Time consuming and has to be done outside.  Non pottery related... I hate doing the dishes!  Always have... but now, standing that long to wash the dishes is physically painful... but on the good days I still try to help my honey out.  He takes such good care of me. <3

D. Dogs:   2; my service dog Kane, and my fiance's dog Charlotte.  Charlotte stayed down with his parents when we moved up north though.  She has a lot of health issues and needed to be closer to the vet...AND... his mom and gram just didn't want her to go.

E. Essential start to your day:  Coffee!

Kane and I at a restaurant in Virginia.

F. Favorite Color:  Blue and a dark amethyst purple.

G. Gold or Silver: Silver/white gold

H. Height:  5'7"

I. Instruments you play:  In middle school I played the french horn...and taught myself some basic piano back in HS...but that was 10 years ago..

J. Job Title: Retired Disabled Veteran.  AKA Differently-abled Veteran Ceramic Artist in Training.  Only been doing this 1.5 years, but it has fast become my passion.

K. Kids:  I have an 11 year old son from a previous marriage.  Hope to add to that sometime in the future.

Hummingbird perched on our patio chair. May 2013.

L. Live:  Northern Maine, about 10 miles from the border of Canada.

M. Mother's Name: Kathy.  

N. Nicknames: Na-Na.  One of my younger sisters couldn't say "Shawna" when she was younger...so she called me "na-na" and it stuck.  Everyone in my family (mom and sisters, dad not so much) calls me by it.  My fiance's pet/nickname for me is "love monkey".  There's a story behind that one as well... Maybe I'll get into that one in a later post.

O. Overnight hospital stays:  Several.  First one was when my son was born, another one about 8 years ago, and 2 in a 1 month time span while deployed to Iraq.  Again, maybe I'll elaborate more on those on a later date.

P. Pet peeve:  Ignorance.  Racism.  People being judgmental in general.  Live and let live.

Q. Quote from a movie:  "Hakuna Matata" = No worries!  Yes, from The Lion King. :)  But it's a great quote/phrase to live by.  Live life for today.  No sense stressing about yesterday or tomorrow.  Yesterday is in the past and you can't do sh*t about it, and you don't know what tomorrow will bring...so again, why stress about the unknown??

R. Right or left handed: Right handed!

S. Siblings: 5 by birth, 1 by marriage.  :)  I have 5 younger sisters ranging in age from 27 to 15.  And as of August 10, 2013, I will have an older sister. :)  Sister-in-law by technicality, but she's great and I love her just the same. :)

T. Time you wake up: It really depends on the kind of night I've had.  If it's been a bad night and I'm up with leg pain, it will be closer to noon.  Most of the time I go to bed when I'm tired and wake up on my own.  Recently though, I've been trying to get on a somewhat normal schedule so I can wake up with my son when he starts school in the fall.

U. Underwear:  The comfy kind! :) 

V. Vegetable you hate:  Not a big fan of kale...I like most veggies... thankfully I'm not a picky eater.

W. What makes you run late:  My memory.  Another "side effect" of Iraq.  My short term memory is HORRIBLE.  We have to stop half down the drive way after we leave to go someplace at LEAST once because I forgot something in the house that I need.  

X. X-Rays you've had:  Oh good lord... WAY too many!  Ankle, knee, foot, entire spine/neck... MRI's and CT scans of head and body...

Y. Yummy food that you make:  I can't cook anymore. :(  My left hand has weakness in it, and I have a tendency to forget stuff.  Add on top of that the inability to stand for long periods of time... And my culinary days are limited.  BUT on my good days... I make a mean stuffed porkchops that my fiance LOVES.

Z. Zoo Animal:  I love the beautiful colors on all the exotic fish... and the peacocks.  The peacocks remind me of the mythical phoenix...of which I have a large tattoo of on my arm.

Well there!  Those are some pretty random questions!  I hope you've learned something you didn't know about me and had a good chuckle...or at least smiled!

TTFN!

Working on some fine detail work.  :)

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Been a while...

So I have been thinking that I've only been MIA for a month...but my last post was nearly two months ago!!  My apologies!  It's definitely been a roller coaster few months.  My health has decided to throw some wrenches in the generally day to day life.  Haven't been able to work as much in the studio as I have wanted...nor have I had the where-with-all to do all the computer and bookkeeping work needed...like I still have to file my taxes for the biz...  I have 2 more weeks to get with it!  Let's hope it doesn't take me that long!

In other news... a New England magazine featured my garden stakes!  AND I'm listed as #1 of the 4!!!  I was SOOOOO excited!!  Here is the link if you have a few moments to check it out:

Four Spring Finds from Mainers on Etsy

On March 29, I unloaded a glaze kiln full of goodies.  MOST everything turned out the way I wanted and was hoping for.  

And believe it or not...my kiln was FULL...4 half shelves and 2 full shelves!  I have a smaller, home-studio sized kiln.  it works for me and the size space we have.  As you can see...LOTS of handbuilding going on in the Mayo house.  I have a hard time throwing for any long period of time unfortunately, because of pain and weakness in my legs.  *SIGH*  But that's ok. 

On a final note...For those of you who commented on my Facebook post about the first 10 businesses to comment I would leave feedback/feature for ya...I promise you I haven't forgotten!  As I said earlier... life and health kind of got in the way!  I will working on those features in the coming days, so stay tuned!!

Fighting Through the Pain

Yesterday I went grocery shopping with my fiance and cousin and discovered what my limit is.  (ALWAYS looking for that silver lining...ha).  My legs started hurting after 30 minutes of walking, pushing the cart and using it as a "walker".  Took us a total of 45 minutes to finish everything.  Needless to say, I was a hurting unit.  Today wasn't a whole lot better.  But I had "work" to do. 

When you love what you do, you never work a day in your life.  :)  My pottery and ceramics allows me to zone out and fight through the pain.  Today was just such a day.  I had a lot of pieces to glaze and forced myself to get it done.  Lots of little trinket plates with various stamped impressions, pendants, and several custom orders.  My cat plate was one of them...they are quite popular!  The display on the shelf changes with each plate, so each one will always be unique. 

Also in the kiln is a lighthouse light/nightlight.  First one I've made and really like how it turned out.  I'm hoping that the glaze job I did with my cousin turns out just as well and highlights the awesomeness of the piece!  hehe 

I have several more custom orders that I need to start working on.  I love custom orders, and made to order items, as they give me something to focus on.  Rather than the stabbing pain in my legs, I instead focus on the creative aspect of my pieces.  The detailed hand painting some of them require.  the hand-built pieces that require extra attention.  When I'm in the middle of the creative process, I zone out.  It can be a nice reprieve from the pain.  But the moment I come out of the zone, the pain is no longer blocked, and it comes back with a vengeance.  Tonight is such a night.  After my glazing marathon, and starting the glaze kiln; I am in my wheelchair.  Ah well.  So is life.  There are good days and bad days....and today is just "one of those days".

I know my posts are kind of all over the place right now.  Thank you for staying with me.  I'm trying to get my mind back into the habit of writing with fluidity.  I used to write quite fluidly without much thought; but now it's more difficult.  I lose my train of thought, have a hard time finding the right word, difficulty explaining certain things...just part of the package I guess.

Anyway...THANKS for all your support.  I love feedback and critiques..so please leave me comments.  I'm open to corrective criticism.  It's the only way I'll get better!

<3