When
I tell people that I was in the army, the first question is always,
"Did you go to Iraq? Afghanistan?". When I inform them that I did
deploy to Iraq for OIF VII, the question that always follows next is,
"What was it like?". People may think that it is an easy question to
answer, but quite the contrary, it is not. What part of Iraq do you
want to know about? There are many. Do you want to do what the social
and family ties and the stresses it caused was like? Do you want to
know what war is like? Or what about the countryside? The people and
the children? Being a medic? What part do you want to know about? The
part where I admit it broke me all to hell and I will never be the same
again? Which part?
Humpty
Dumpty. There are many days where this nursery rhyme sums it all up
for me. Somewhere along the way in Iraq, I got sick. VERY sick. But
with an illness no one can pinpoint. Yes, I was diagnosed with PTSD.
But what about the seizures? The tremors, the down right ATROCIOUS
memory loss? The stutter and speech issues? The leg pain and weakness.. No one can tell me about
that. No one knows what caused it initially, if it is a life long
illness I will have to contend with or if it will eventually go away.
Every day is a challenge. But at least I'm here. I'm breathing, alive, surrounded by
family. Some of the guys I served with can't say the same...
I
had Christmas and unwrapped gifts with my son over Skype. He asked me
every time I talked to him if the bad guys had bombed us that day and if
any of my army team mates had gotten hurt. No child should have to
worry about politics and war...but my son did/does. But at least I had
the ability to have internet while deployed and had those luxuries; I
know previous deployments weren't so lucky.
The
sand/dust storms that would come up out of no where with the sporadic
monsoon thrown in there as well. Highs of 135*F and lows in the 30's.
Yes, we had snow over there too. It didn't last long, but it was
there. If you put your face in front of a hot oven and just sit
there...that's what it felt like. But it was also quite beautiful in
it's own right. The majority of people were kind and wanted our help.
Children would line our patrol routes, patiently waiting for chocolate
to be handed to them, or some other trinket/souvenier.
Not all of Iraq was bad.
The mortars every other night, the rocket attacks, and loosing your friends...THAT part sucked.
I guess, deployment and war, like with anything, is what you make of it. No matter the situation, I try to find the silver lining. It may take me some time to find the light and get to a point high enough where I can look down to look for that silver lining, but in the back of my head, I know it's there.
When I get overwhelmed and it all seems like it's just too much to bare...I close my eyes, take a deep breath...and get my hands dirty.
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